22nd May 2020: Only 4 days until I finished my undergraduate degree, an experience I had hated a lot of…However this is not the reason why this date is significant.
This is the day things started to change for the better. The day my life finally began to make sense. The day I was officially diagnosed with ADHD.
It’s my ADHD diagnosis’ first birthday today. Whilst it is actually also my birthday in 4 days, that feels like a much less significant event for me…
Some people may think it’s stupid to be celebrating, or even talking about, such a thing, especially as the ADHD itself obviously wasn’t new, it had always been there, I just finally got a label for it, an explanation for so many of my struggles and ‘quirks’. I know that ‘labels’ shouldn’t matter and people’s struggles are just as valid, regardless of if they have an ‘official’ diagnosis or not, and that goes for all mental/physical health problems/differences. However, it feels important to me to recognise this milestone. It’s not so much a celebration of the diagnosis itself, rather a celebration of how much my life has changed and improved as a result of it.
I think the ADHD diagnosis honestly saved my life. A year ago I was super depressed and anxious, had no motivation to do anything, and spent a large amount of my time sleeping. I rarely managed to make it through a single 2 hour lecture without falling asleep, and on the occasion I did I would then go straight home and nap. I felt like a zombie a large proportion of the time, walking round in a constantly spaced out state. My mood and energy levels constantly fluctuated, going from one extreme to the other in a matter of minutes. I was either loud, bubbly and excitable, or I was a depressed zombie, often with my head on a table, essentially dead to the world. It was nothing short of a miracle that I made it to the end of my degree and it took a LOT of support, motivational speeches and a global pandemic for it to happen!
Truthfully, I dread to think where I would be now if I hadn’t got the ADHD diagnosis and I definitely would not be where I am now! I had no idea what I would do after university. I highly doubted whether I would realistically be able to cope with a proper, full-time job, considering the mental state I was in. I remember finding out last year that I had been offered an interview for the STP, and whilst I was very excited, I knew that if things didn’t change significantly then there was very little chance that I would realistically be able to cope with the demands of the STP. Yes, I had got that far in life and seemed to cope sufficiently well in life, being relatively ‘high functioning’, but it had taken such a huge toll on my mental health, and I was acutely aware of the stark difference between 8 contact hours a week at uni (some of which I’d usually be asleep for) and working a full time job (which I would quickly be fired from were I to adopt the same approach…). I tried not to think about this too much and focused the very minimal amount of brain capacity I had on dragging myself through the last few weeks/days of my degree. I was barely even a functioning human being at this point, with even the most simple tasks seeming insurmountable. I was so mentally exhausted and it felt like my brain had been running on its last 1% for a long time now. It seemed only a matter of time before it shut down completely and I wasn’t sure if it would ever be revived again…
However, fast forward a year and here I am on a highly competitive training programme, holding down a full time job (that I absolutely love!), alongside undertaking a part time masters , having moved half way across the country. Not only am I ‘coping’, I am actually kind of thriving. I’m ahead of target with my competencies for the STP, I have done well in my uni assignments so far, and I’m actually enjoying my life! Yes, I do still struggle a lot with my mental health and I definitely have good and bad days, but most of these struggles stem from past issues and their effects on me now. I am however actively trying to come to terms with, and move on from, these past experiences and the damage they have caused me, through therapy which is helping and I am definitely making progress. Having a job that I really enjoy and actively look forward to going to each day, as well as lovely, supportive colleagues, has certainly helped deal with these bad days as well.
It makes me emotional reflecting on how much my life has changed since then. I will admit that I am sad/angry/frustrated/disappointed that I spent so many years struggling and not knowing why and at the damage it caused, but I think this is only natural and these feelings are all a part of the healing process. However, I do also feel so lucky to be where I am now and so fortunate that I finally got my ADHD diagnosis last year, as this was without a doubt the catalyst for the enormous change in my life over the last year.
It’s scary to think I nearly didn’t get diagnosed because my GP said she ‘didn’t really see the point’ when I asked for a referral to a psychiatrist…However, after reading lots of information and talking to people on ADHD support groups online, I related so strongly to their experiences and I saw the difference it made in so many of their lives and therefore the potential it could have for me and my life. I was fortunate that my parents were supportive and I was able to directly refer myself for a private assessment.
I have been dismissed by so called ‘professionals’ so many times over the years when it’s come to my mental health, and I am so glad that I didn’t let the GP’s negative response stop me getting my ADHD diagnosis. I think this is part of the reason I want to share my experiences openly, so that others who may be struggling with undiagnosed ADHD might relate and seek a diagnosis. As you can see, a diagnosis really can dramatically change a person’s life!
Here’s to many more years of understanding myself better and continuing to improve and thrive ❤
I need a nap... 